Oh the joys of horrifyingly irreversible climate change! Many records were broken on Thursday the 25th (my birthday, by the way). The hottest July day on record for the UK saw 38.7c clocked in the Cambridge University Botanic Gardens. Whilst over on the continent, 39.4c in Gilze-Rijen in the Netherlands, and 40.6c in Paris were also record breaking temperatures.
Such bewildering heat meant Europe was essentially just that gif of the dog in the room that’s on fire.
Everything is not fine, however.
I’m sure you know that you should stay hydrated, out of the shade, wear a hat and reapply sun cream every half hour? The warm weather may have retreated for now, but that does nothing to nullify this advice just in case of a reappearance! Of course, it’s not my job to remind you to do these sensible things, but it is my job to write about the ten things everyone was probably doing instead:
1. Taking shirts off outside
As counterproductive as it sounds, skin should be covered as much as possible when out during the hottest part of the day. This does not stop British men however, from becoming Martin out of Friday Night Dinner as soon as the first glimmer of sunshine peeks from behind solid cloud cover. Astonishingly enough, several were seen shirtless on the Victoria Underground line (yes really) as if commuting wasn’t a mortifying enough experience already. Also if you haven’t seen Friday Night Dinner yet, here’s a Martin meme so you know what I’m talking about:
2. Leaving our coats and umbrellas at home. It’s astonishing how we all collectively refuse to learn from our experiences with British weather.
3. Firing up the BBQ.
Whether it’s chicken wings, ribs, halloumi, grilled peppers or just Pimm’s that you like, summer barbecues are the ultimate social unifiers. Something will get burned, and a drink will certainly be spilled down someone, most likely the Aunt in the garish maxi dress and the big necklace. But even if you do end up sat inside on a beach towel playing Mariokart on the Wii with all the neighbour kids/cousins you see maybe twice per year, it’s a good time.
4. Digging out the paddling pool
The dog always ends up getting in it. The dog will break it. It’s an inevitability that I’ve learned to accept much like death and coastal erosion.
5. Sitting outside
6. Promptly coming back inside because you’re bored and sweaty
7. Eating more ice cream than is appropriate.
Whatever your stance on the best British ice creams you’re sure to eat an inadvisable amount of them. I have personally been known to consume three Mini Milks on a daily basis, to keep my calcium levels up obviously. They’re small and there’s no law against it.
8. Rummaging around in the loft/garage/spare room like Aladdin in the Cave of Wonders for that fan you know you put somewhere. Give up now, my friend. You’ll never find it.
9. Buying a new fan and immediately standing in front of it with your shirt lifted up to create an impenetrable tent of cool air circulating around your midriff.
The Arctic Circle localised to a 20cm squared area. Also, if your fan is one of those rotating blade ones you can speak into it and sound like a Dalek. Don’t say my articles aren’t educational.
10. Talking about the weather even moreso than usual.