A Fifth Of Men Would Give Up Sex For A Year In Return For The Perfect Beard

Alfie PowellAlfie Powell in Funny, News
Published 10.01.20

Men want perfect beards so much that a fifth of them would give up sex for a year just so they could have one.

I’m going to preface this by saying that I don’t have a beard and if I tried, the best I could muster is Orlando Bloom in the first Pirates of the Caribbean film.

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It worked for Keira Knightly, but not for me.

I would like a proper beard. I’ve got a young face so I’m not sure one would suit me, but I’d certainly like the option.

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With that said, I wouldn’t be doing anything wild to get one. I’m not paying thousands of pounds for a transplant, I’m not going to start taking testosterone tablets (???) and I’m certainly not going to give up sex for an entire year.

Not that that’s an actual thing, of course; trading sex for a beard isn’t a possibility in real life, but if it were, there are definitely some interested parties.

OnePoll, on behalf of Honest Amish, (who sell beard products), conducted a survey that asked 2000 men what they would do for the perfect beard. They found some pretty shocking results.

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40% of men said that they’d spend a night behind bars or go a year without coffee – both entirely different things – in order to grow the perfect beard, while 18% said that they’d shave they head in return for a beard.

That’s some pretty insane desires, and that’s without mentioning the 20% of men who would forego sex for a year to get their dream beard.

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The thing is, what are the conditions? I know someone who hasn’t had sex for over a year and is desperate for a beard (I’m proud to say it’s not me) so do they get one now, or do they have to go another year without shagging?

There are a lot of variables, is what I’m saying. A year since your last lay, or a year starting now? Someone needs to clear this up.

It’s no really a two way street though, since while 73% of men think having a beard makes you more attractive, only 63% of women agree.

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Bloody women. Always ruining everything.

In any case, I’m bitter that I can’t grow a beard and I’m perfectly happy to write off any beard owner who isn’t me as a loser hipster who needs a wash.

That’s life.

Images via Getty, Disney

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