A criminal rescue cat has been sentenced to indefinite solitary confinement in a Texas animal shelter after leading an attempt to stage a prison break with his fellow felines.
Think The Great Escape but with more agile prisoners and some fur balls.
The outlaw, known to the folks at the Friends for Life Animal Centre in Houston as ‘Quilty’, has lived up to his pun-like name and been found guilty (get it?) of breaching his sentence before his parole board came up.
I am, of course, trying to milk this prison theme for all its worth. And yes, when I say ‘milk’, I mean that white stuff you’re traditionally supposed to serve to cats in a saucer as a treat, but it looks like Guilty Quilty won’t be supping on that any time soon. Porridge is probably more appropriate.
Okay, prison jokes aside, a collection of photos of Quilty’s imprisonment have spread like wildfire across the Internet. For those who like to identify as ‘cat people’ rather than ‘dog people’, you might want to rethink that. As this hilarious event proves, your affinity for cats is likely never going to be reciprocated, as the outlaws will try anything and everything they can to get as far away from your close embrace as possible.
Jennifer Hopkins, the Friends for Life Animal Shelter director of communications, disclosed that this is not the first time Quilty has misbehaved and pushed his supervisors to their limits. After a series of seemingly paranormal events led to the opening of a securely locked door, it was soon discovered that this was not the work of a mysterious ghoul, but of criminal mastermind Quilty, who had figured out how to bust the lock.
‘We would come in in the morning and have to collect all fifteen of the cats who had had a blast during the night,’ Ms Hopkins told CNN.
This grand master plan to flee captivity was only resolved when the workers decided to sanction Quilty to solitary confinement in the building’s lobby whilst they made alterations to the main shelter area to make sure this could never happen again.
But knowing Quilty, he’s probably already sent word to his posse in Mexico to return to Houston and spring him out at gunpoint.
As has become tradition with these hilarious cat escapades, adoring fans have all offered to adopt Quilty. A similar phenomenon occurred after pictures emerged of an Australian rescue cat with a kn*b and bollocks-shaped birthmark on her head. After failing to find local owners, a Facebook appeal resulted in a surge of non-prejudiced cat lovers all willing to take her in.
Quilty’s yearning to escape may be related in some way to his past relationship with owners. Initially taken in by a local debutante, Quilty’s happiness at finding a forever home was short lived after she had to move out of Houston and couldn’t take Quilty with her. And so the confused young kitten was forced to return to his birthplace, where it’s likely he’s trying to escape in order to return to his former forever home.
Like Julian Assange, online trends have called for Quilty to be released, with hashtags including #FreeQuilty and #QuiltyNotGuilty.
Also like Julian Assange, Quilty has already found some interested buyers and is in the process of moving into his next forever home.
Let’s just hope Quilty doesn’t try to escape that one. Or smear his own manure on the walls. Or leak classified information to the general public. Any of those is possible with Quilty’s particular set of skills …
Commonly mistaken by strangers as called Matt or Marcus, Max is an awkward Medievalist struggling with ever evolving technology. When not writing for The Hook, he can be found attending self-help classes for his decade-long addiction to KFC. His greatest achievements include getting blocked by Owen Jones on Twitter and completing the Metro quick crossword in just under twenty-seven hours. You can contact Max at [email protected]Follow