I won’t go into too much detail but there was a police raid on the bottom floor the other morning at about 5am and I sh*t myself.
In my confused and sleepy state I thought all my misdemeanours (stealing a Snickers when I was 8, dodging train fares etc.) had caught up with me and I was going to be dragged out of my flat in my boxers for all the neighbours to see. It’d be just my luck that they’d be filming one of those police TV programmes as well so the whole nation could see me at my worst.
Luckily, it had nothing to do with me, but it did make me realise that I was massively unprepared should any unwanted intruders – not the police, obviously – storm my flat.
And courtesy of Amazon, I now have a doubly practical nightstand/bat combo that can be used to fend off any bad men that might want to cause me harm.
Introducing the Woodquail Bat and Shield, Bamboo Self Defense Night Stand – a chic nightstand that can also be used in battle.
As you can see, the product appears to be a standard nightstand, perfect for putting cups and packed of biscuits on for late night snacking, but with a few simple adjustments it transforms into a shield and bat, perfect for pummelling people.
The product description reads as follows:
“This Bat and Shield Set can be helpful as self-defence accessories in order to visually warn the intruder that you are protected.
“The bamboo material gives the Bat and Shield their effortless chic. As with all of our bamboo products, this one has been varnished to protect it against water and to make cleaning easy.
“It can be also a piece of modern designer furniture if you use it as bedside table. The staples can be used for cables. Designer furniture tends to combine aesthetic & practical functions.
“It is equally suitable for both a male and female bedroom. It is reported that 50% of people in the UK are worried about security at night. That’s why having a means of self-defence by your bedside is psychologically comforting. Many people use an alarm system, but it’s not necessarily active when you’re in.”
Incredible product description that to be fair.
But get a load of the one review that’s on there, from one M J. Tucker who says it “Could be better”:
“The torso sized shield is ideal, allow for the protection of vitals and/or genitals in the event of an assault, picture clearly shows a left handed user, but is equally usable for righties. The leg/bat appears to be shorter than a baseball bat but longer than a rounders one. Depending on a user’s size and ability this combination can make a formidable defensive or offensive tool.
“The cons however must of course be obvious, although bamboo is tough and light, the slated construction would have me wishing for it to be leather covered for additional strength without compromising the weight or for the stronger user a one piece thick board construction. The bat is over long for indoor use, ceiling height and hall dimensions would prevent fullest g force, might give an opportunist burglar second thoughts but not a determined assailant.
“To that end I would suggest replacing the bat with something sharp and serious looking a serrated edged hunting knife clipable to the shield for storage. Close quarters survival fighting you need every advantage, if knives scare you then I suggest some nice long nails 6inch plus near the top, the would be hidden when used as a table, but when brandished at an opponent, running away would seem like a sweeter deal. [sic]”
Some decent customer feedback there for the designers to think about moving forward.
Needless to say this product is hugely practical and kills two birds with one stone. Clearly it’s tongue in cheek though so if a stranger does enter your house without permission, seek the relevant authorities. Not your bedside table.
I’m not sure I have to say that but I want to be safe – like how bottles of bleach tell people it’s not for drinking. Kinda obvious really.
Images via Amazon
Charismatic, witty, charming, engaging - four things Joshua Rogers will never be. Thankfully, he’s a semi-competent writer, who, after graduating university with two mostly pointless degrees, joined The Hook two years ago. He subsequently honed his writing skills over the course of several sex-related articles, bringing a very public shame to his family's good name.