Thanks to widespread idiocy, the world’s supermarkets shelves have been stripped bare of toilet roll.
Now, although “panic buying” seems to have curbed somewhat – thanks mainly to some supermarkets enforcing a nightclub-style one-in-one-out policy, as well as people fearing being shamed for stockpiling – toilet roll shelves in shops and supermarkets are still barren.
A quick PSA to those who spent their February earnings on bog roll – I kind of hope you get the sh*ts; at least then you can put that bog roll to some valid use.
If you’re like me and toilet roll supplies are wearing fast and thin at home, don’t panic, because OF COURSE Amazon has come up with a cheap solution.
The delivery giant is now selling handheld bidets, ideal for anyone running low on loo roll in these trying times. This nifty little gadget is rated 4.6 out of 5 and is being sold for less than a fiver at £4.59 on Amazon.
I know, I thought it looked like an electric toothbrush, too. But trust me, as wonderful as this handy little product is, you wouldn’t want to put it anywhere near your mouth.
“DURABLE & LOW COST – Ergonomic soft squeeze bottle, made from durable material. It’s a great economical alternative to expensive & bulky electronic bidets.
“PORTABLE DESIGN – It’s light and easy to carry. Fill and use anywhere. You may enjoy a clean refreshed feeling anywhere with it.
“400ML CAPACITY – Enough reservoir for effective cleansing at one time, sufficient quantity of water. No need to refill halfway during cleansing.
“EASY TO USE – Long head helps to keep it clean. Angled spray design for perfect aim. Nothing else is required. Just simply fill the container with water directly from the tap, at your preferred temperature, attach the angled spray nozzle and squeeze for a gentle spray of cleansing refreshing water.”
It’s not ideal, but let’s face it, it’s better than queuing up outside a supermarket only to face this…
All while needing a sh*t.
One customer said:
“Discreet, portable, and works anywhere. Brilliant.”
“Get one for everyone bathroom!”
A third said:
“Cleaner bum, less paper.”
If you are still stockpiling toilet roll – somehow – wherever you are in this bizarre world of ours, please, just take what you need right now. Think, for a second, of all those older people living people on their own, who are having to manage with what they have because you took what you didn’t need.
Shop selflessly, otherwise I’ll wish the sh*ts on you, too.
Images via Amazon and Getty
Having worked in children's media and publishing for almost a decade, Ben is thoroughly excited to now be able to swear in stories and features. He is such a big fan of Disney and Horror films that he started an LGBTQ+ podcast called 'Once Upon A Scream'. His mum listens. You can contact Ben at email@example.com. Twitter: @PulsfordBen / Instagram: @thebenmidlerFollow