If I went to a psychiatrist they’d probably tell you that my aversion to speedos stems from the fact I used to rock a pair of the ol’ budgie smugglers back in the day. Tenerife 2004 was the time and place, and a 12 year-old me jumped up hastily out of the hotel pool in front of a girl I fancied and said briefs fell all the way down to my ankles.
I don’t know how or why it happened, but it did. I won’t go into too much detail but I developed pretty late and said girl was none too impressed.
It was genuinely like that scene with Jay from the Inbetweeners film.
Anyway, I thought I’d seen the last of speedos but clearly I was wrong. For reasons still unknown, they’re making a comeback in 2019 and somehow they’re even worse than ever before.
They’re denim in case you hadn’t already guessed – or at least denim-looking.
The bizarre, ball-hugging, banana hammocks are known as the ‘Jeado’ and presumably they’re for people who have either given up on trying to attract or mate or for those who’ve lost a bet.
The Daytona Dong Sarong Jeado Swim Brief pants cost $39.99 and come in sizes S through to XXL – and the people at Shinesty reckon they fit tightly (no sh*t, they’re speedos) so suggest going a size up.
The product description reads:
“They say jorts are the above-ground pool of the shorts world. We’d be inclined to agree.
Our denim print swim brief, also known as the Jeado, also known as the Daytona Dong Sarong is just like that, except it is the above-ground hot tub of the swim brief world…or something like that. It is like eating a bag of chips in church.
Everyone looks over at you with disgust, but deep down they want some too.
And if you’re really risky you’ll combine those last 2 sentences, eating a bag of chips in church while wearing this denim swimsuit. You’ll probably get tossed out, but you’ll look and taste good doing it.
They sound like they’re on an E writing that.
Suffice to say I think these are appalling but I absolutely would buy them as a joke for a friend.
If you’re going away with friends this summer, I suggest you buy whomever is the butt of the jokes in your friendship circle a pair of these and force them to strut their stuff down the beach.
That’s comedy gold right there.
Images via Shinesty
Charismatic, witty, charming, engaging - four things Joshua Rogers will never be. Thankfully, he’s a semi-competent writer, who, after graduating university with two mostly pointless degrees, joined The Hook two years ago. He subsequently honed his writing skills over the course of several sex-related articles, bringing a very public humiliation to his family's good name.Follow