I feel like the collective memory of online culture has the same span as an amnesiac koi fish, as so far I’ve seen no one else mention the fact that this app was indeed the same one with those ‘Ethnicity Filters’ we all said Yikes over in 2017. Those have since been removed, but what remains has been unavoidable on all forms of social media over the past few days; the Ageing App.
What I feel is an entirely justifiable paranoia relating to anything that could possibly be utilised in the advancement of facial recognition technology has sadly prevented me from taking part in this new trend, wherein you upload a photo to an app and it essentially just Benjamin Buttons you. By now you’ve probably aged your friends, your family, and you may even have tried it on your pets (this does not work, by the way) and now you want to see how the ravages of time will affect those richer and with better access to skincare and plastic surgery than you.
Well you’ve come to the right place if what you wanted was a ranking of how little to how much I trust each of these celebrities in their older form, because that’s what this is!
First thing’s first:
Not a human being but anyway, let’s get the most horrifying one out of the way first. You guys seeing this? You seen it? Okay good let’s move on quickly now and never think about it ever again.
All I can think of when looking at this image is that in the gift that is Kitchen Nightmares, Chef Ramsay once uttered the inimitable line, “My grandma could do better than that, and she’s dead.” I like to imagine that Grandma Ramsay emitted an aura even half as terrifying as this. He could have mint imperials in his cardigan pocket, but it’s equally plausible he could have a bread knife in there. An unpredictable old man; a wildcard.
Champagnegrandpapi is not to be trusted, yes he’s sharply dressed and he says he’ll be at your next cello recital this time for sure but will he really? The kind of old man that has a boat but doesn’t sail it, he just sits on the deck looking melancholic, an inherently untrustworthy activity.
There’s a hugely obvious joke to be made here and yes of course I’m going to make it: Their great, great, great grand daughters are doing pretty fine. I feel like these guys arrive at the golf club in all the gear – flat caps included – they rent the cart, promptly forget why they’re there to begin with so just drive aimlessly over the greens until the sun sets and they end up back at the clubhouse and eat all those individually wrapped boiled sweets on the lobby desk, much to the annoyance of the staff who can say nothing because god damn these old men are loaded.
Yes it’s 2081 and Lil Nas X has released the 2500th Old Town Road remix featuring Luis Fonsi, the nice lady that works the reception at your GP, Big Bird, and the ghosts of Paul and Barry Chuckle. A well meaning old man but one that would for sure drive his grandchildren on a motorway at an inadvisable speed because Dolly Parton’s 1980 smash hit ‘9 To 5‘ came on shuffle and he felt the vibe was right.
Oh yes I’d definitely trust Old LeBron to look after my houseplants if I were going on a long weekend break to Prague.
I trust this grandmother for sure, if she found out you were being bullied she’d go to your school and resolve the situation herself through reasonable and pacifistic means. She has a room just for crafting with a cabinet drawer reserved specifically for ribbons and twine.
I personally cannot wait for the 73rd season of Queer Eye.
And you thought Karamo’s eyes couldn’t look any kinder? Well you were wrong. I’d trust these old men with my life. The most dependable of the aged celebs, the perfect blend of quirky grandparents who weave their own tote bags made of hemp and sensible grandparents who know how to crochet and always seem to have some kind of stupendous confectionery in the oven.
Well there you go, a short but sweet ranking!
Perhaps this trend will somehow soften the view of society to ageing gracefully, and also remind kids that people do not in fact turn to dust when they hit 35 years of age? Maybe it will force us all to consider more astutely how apps utilise our data and for what purposes? Probably not, but I can at least hope for the best. In the meantime, if you too are interested in seeing what you’ll look like in 30/40/50 years time then try the nifty trick of looking at either one or both of your parents, it’s enlightening stuff.
Sophie Kimberley is a journalism and politics student whose fantastic hair is one of perhaps maybe three things she's got going for her. Aside from writing for The Hook, Sophie can be found photographing any animal that stays still long enough, wearing hideous floral printed shirts, tending to her nine houseplants, and suffering due to the antics of Arsenal FC.Follow