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Funny Sex Stories On The Internet And Podcast That'll Make You LOL

From Quora

A man and woman lying on green bed cuddling
A man and woman lying on green bed cuddling

A Volcano Of Semen

So, because my wife and I work opposite shifts, we didn't see each other for a while. For nearly two weeks, I had managed to "hold out" and not jerk off. We were both at home at the same time for the first time and were furiously fighting, her on top. We were on top of the bed, and the bedroom door was shut. We heard the front door open and her sister announce her presence. My wife did not pause and continued on her way. My wife rolled off me as soon as my sister opened our bedroom door.

I came a LONG way. With great venom. Almost certainly an all-time distance record. Hands-Free. Her sister watched in disbelief as a volcano of sperm erupted from my penis. She couldn't close the door because she was too shocked. We all burst out laughing.

— by Anonymous

The Height Of Sexual Embarrassment

I was young and staying at a friend's house. More! was a magazine for teenage girls in the United Kingdom. There was always a "Position of the Month" on there. The position for the month in question was Reverse Cowgirl, and my girlfriend at the time and I decided to give it a shot.

Everything went smoothly, and we finished without a hitch, as far as I recall. She was about to dismount when something went wrong. Her bedroom door swung open, and her mother entered. I remember looking at her mother through the triangle formed by my pelvis and the girl's thighs!! The look of surprise on her face was incredible, and it most likely mirrored mine. My girlfriend screamed for her to leave, which she did quickly before yelling angrily through the closed door, "Why isn't he even wearing a condom?"

— by Dave Jones

The Sex Triangle

I was working on a film in the 1970s that was being shot in a brownstone in New York City. I was summoned to a fifth-floor bedroom to wait out the long time between setups. When I arrived, a lovely female production assistant and the sound man were naked on the bed. I lusted after the PA, she lusted after the sound man, who, unfortunately for her, was gay and lusted after me. Nothing was hipper in New York at the time than bisexuality, and as a boringly straight person, I saw this as a golden opportunity to kill two birds with one stone. I'd be able to have sex with the girl and claim a homosexual experience.What possibly could go wrong? Everything. Each of us was attempting to have sex with someone who was only interested in someone else in a clumsy manner. And an assistant director barged in, asking about the camera setup. We gave up, laughed our asses off, and jumped in the shower together because it was so amusingly awkward.

— Denis R.

Sexy Pun

"My wife was attempting to perform oral sex on my right side rather than my left, as she usually does. After about 30 seconds of uncomfortable shifting, she asked to move to the other side, and I immediately asked her, "You aren't ambi-dick-serious? " She snorted, and we were both in tears from laughing so hard."

— Caelani920

From Wattpad

Man and woman lying on white bed hugging
Man and woman lying on white bed hugging

"Blood Orgy’"

At the time, I was having regular sex with my girlfriend. Though I'm sure she wasn't exactly drenched, neither was I. So we were fighting and all of a sudden I felt a pinch. That struck me as odd. Then there was liquid, so I asked her if she felt anything strange. She mistook me for someone else. I hadn't done so yet because it had been extremely uncomfortable. So I take a step back. Blood is squirting from just under my penis, all over her vag, stomach, bed, and so on.

I jump up, and the blood splatters all over her floor, chair, and myself. "WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED?" I freak the fuck out. "She freaks out, her eyes wide with surprise. I dash to the bathroom and simply stand in the tub clutching tissues to my penis, waiting for the blood to stop. I eventually become flaccid and my blood flow stops. We immediately went online to find out what the shit was going on. I've been clutching my dick through my shorts the entire time as we try to figure out how this spontaneous satanic blood orgy started and if anyone else has experienced it.

It turns out that you can tear the webbing under your penis, which I believe is called the 'frenulum.' Who would have guessed? I couldn't have sex for two weeks, and the following month I was too paranoid to do much anyway. However, looking back on it is hilarious.

— by skelly

The Squeeze

"I have a tendency to squeeze my pelvic muscles (really hard) during sex, which the guys really [like], and I must've squeezed way too hard because the condom stuck to me as he thrusted in and out, and when we were done, he pulled out, and there was no condom on his dick...

"For a split second, we freaked out, and I was like, 'Are you SURE you put one on?!?!'"

'And then I realized (lol) and dug my fingers in...really deep...and pulled it out."

— from Y x n

From Podcasts

A lady wearing black underwear lying on bed
A lady wearing black underwear lying on bed

Hair Day

"I had my hair tied in a bun, with a hairband with fake hair on it wrapped around to make my hair appear longer, so it looked like a messy bun."

"The guy I was with thought it would be a good idea to grab my hair while we were doing it, but he was surprised when it just fell off in his hand." When I say he was taken aback, I mean he yelled, 'Arghhhh, what the hell?!' 'and threw it across the room while I nearly died laughing."

— TheFoolishOne

Counter Sex

"Sex in the shower is always fun, sex off the shower and on the counter is even more fun...until you fall into the sink (which is small to begin with) and your ass gets stuck in the sink."

— user nightbird1

Conclusion

These are the moments that make life worthwhile; when you have an experience like this, you'll remember it for the rest of your life; if you and your partner in crime are still together or end up marrying, it's even better. It may not be an appropriate story to tell your children, but it frequently becomes a running gag between you and your significant other. What are your thoughts on these stories? Can you outdo them?

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