Even Voldemort himself would have to avert his eyes from the pure darkness written on these cards – and he’s one nasty b*stard.
I hate to admit it, but I think Cards Against Humanity helped turn me into the sick, shady, trash-talking journalist I am today. I own every version; ever expansion pack; ever knock-off – even a Disney version, which let me tell you, shouldn’t be viewed by anyone.
So imagine my excitement when I learned that a Harry Potter edition of the popular adult card game was not only already out, but causing shockwaves on social media.
It’s safe to say JK Rowling didn’t have much to do with the X-rated content on these cards, ’cause holy sh*t…
If you’ve never played Cards Against Humanity, you’re probably a good person, and should head on over to another page on The Hook website, for safety. It’s basically an adult card game in which players have to dish out the filthiest card they’ve got to complete a sentence or phrase. Whoever’s crafted line is shocking enough to earn them a one way ticket to Hell, wins the round. It’s a lot of fun, but for God’s sake make sure you play it with the right people. I wouldn’t, for example, whack it out round Granny’s on Boxing Day. Generally, steer clear from any old-fashion Dumbledores or McGonagalls. Definitely not suitable for First Year students, either, in case that hasn’t been made clear yet.
This unofficial (OBVIOUSLY) Harry Potter edition is suitably called Cards Against Muggles. The jumbo-deck is made up of 1,440 cards and split into 990 white cards (answers) and 450 black cards (questions). Same rules apply, except, naturally, all of the cards make reference to the Harry Potter universe, but are written with a uniquely NSFW twist; definitely dark and filthy enough to give prudes like Dolores Umbridge a heart attack.
I know you’re dying for some examples, so I won’t keep you waiting any longer. Within the Cards Against Muggles pack, you’ll find cards like:
“Explaining to Madame Pomfrey why you used engorgio on your d*ck”.
“Daniel Radcliffe’s delicious ***hole”.
“Losing the House Cup because Harry and his friends went on another f***ing adventure”.
“The Basilisk in my pants”.
“Percy’s flat, freckled a*se”.
“Dobby’s tiny a**hole”.
“Using the time turner to go back in time and f*ck yourself”.
I could go on. I want to go on, but I’m on a word count here.
If you want to check out the full selection, you can pick up a pack for yourself on eBay. This one’s going for £17.99. Scroll down and you’ll find the Disney edition I was on about, too. But be warned – some of these cards cannot be unseen.
Some of them might even be bad enough to make Snape’s face move.
Images via Cards Against Muggles and Warner Bros.
Having worked in children's media and publishing for almost a decade, Ben is thoroughly excited to now be able to swear in stories and features. He is such a big fan of Disney and Horror films that he started an LGBTQ+ podcast called 'Once Upon A Scream'. His mum listens. You can contact Ben at [email protected] Twitter: @PulsfordBen / Instagram: @thebenmidlerFollow