But what do I know?!
Hey! Remember the 90s?! Lambrini by the gallon, cans of Red Stripe and Tennants and as many Pringles as you can handle. Living the good life, you know?
So why not get back on that vibe and while you’re at it, make it infinitely worse by adding horrible, horrible parma violets to the equation?
There’s many reasons why not, actually, but nonetheless this drink fully exists and there’s nothing I can do to stop that.
Billed as a “nod to the 90s with a favourite old school flavour,” the parma violet Lambrini is available in Morrison’s for the low low price of £3.25 and yeah, I’ll give them that, that is very reasonable.
The product description reads:
“Born in 1994, Lambrini will be celebrating its 25th birthday this year, so what better time to indulge in a nostalgic bev? It’s perfect for your squared to enjoy whether you’re planning a night in or getting ready to hit the town.”
Great. Does anyone other than students trying to get as drunk as possible for the least amount of money actually drink Lambrini?
I’m going to lay my stake in the ground here; Parma Violets are f*cking horrible and anyone who likes them is either old or thinking of Fizzers.
They taste exactly like watered-down perfume somehow condensed into the consistency of chalk and if that’s a delicious combination for anyone who didn’t live through rationing and the blitz, then they’re a wrongun.
For some reason though, Parma Violet-flavoured things are taking over the culinary world, just like Nutella took over every Tasty and Buzzfeed (same thing) video in 2017.
But there’s more…
Parma Violet flavouring has already brought great shame to the gin world, making people with Snapchat filters in their profile pictures swoon about teaming it with some kind pink tonic water and, I don’t know, Prosecco, but now there’s more.
Cider is already a bad drink. It’s too gassy and acidic and serves only to introduce 14-year-olds who think they’re too good for WKD – me – to drinking. I’ve realised I have some pretty strong opinions on this topic but I’m not stopping now.
Well anyway, you knew this was coming because you read the title; there’s now a Parma Violet Cider, presumably to fill the gap left by the god we clearly don’t have.
Brothers – the brand responsible for this “drink” wrote on their website:
“We have super exciting news to tell you… we are proud to introduce a new member to our family. Parma Violet has arrived, a delicate flavour of sweet violets with a subtle hint of floral notes and delicious local Somerset apples. Brothers Parma Violet cider is perfectly refreshing and best served over ice.”
Meanwhile, the company has also revealed an objectively nicer-sounding flavour to their roster, in Strawberries and Cream…
Managing Director, Matthew Showering, of brand-owner Showerings Cider Mill has said:
“We are very excited to be bringing two brand new flavours to our customers through our latest innovations. At Brothers, we are always looking for ways to think outside the bottle and resonate with our younger audience.“
That’s exactly right, Matthew. You really will resonate with your younger audience with this drink. In between revising for their GCSEs and going to bed at nine, I think they’re really going to enjoy your Strawberries and Cream cider.
When’s this going to end?
Images via Lambrini, Swizzles, Brothers
Alfie Powell joined as an apprentice and was probably hired because he was likely the only person who applied. He's been blagging his way through writing articles for four years now and he's definitely showing signs of slowing down. When not writing for The Hook, Alfie finds time to indulge in his favourite hobbies, such as drinking and sitting down.Follow