In a way, that’s sort of a shame since it’s killing various terrestrial TV channels as they can’t make money, but also fuck advertising and fuck adverts.
But as we edge ever closer to some 1984 dystopia, wilfully giving up personal information at the drop of a hat and having tailored adverts using nefarious technology, wrapped up in a cheerful bow and called “cookies”, advertising could get a lot worse.
If Sony had their way, advertising during television shows would be completely unbearable, with you either having to stand up to tell the adverts to go away, or even join in to make them speed up.
Delving into the crazy, dangerously uneventful year of 2013, Sony had some technology patented that saw people interacting with adverts in order to make them pass.
In their patent package titled System for converting television commercials into interactive networked video games, there are a number of fairly uninteresting concepts, but two that jump out at me as bloody terrible…
The first is one that wants you to join in with the advert, helping build a burger in order to speed the ad up and get back to watching the television you love so dearly.
That pickle doesn’t even look like it belongs in that burger.
I mean that would be awful, right? You just want to relax and all of a sudden you have to make a burger that you don’t even get to eat.
What makes it worse in that the slogan reads “Make it your way,” but they didn’t even give you the choice of anything other than a pickle.
But oh boy it gets worse…
Imagine this; You and your new beau are watching TV. It’s a pretty romantic moment as you enjoy whatever it is you wanted to watch and, as you get closer to one another, you’re drawn in for a kiss. Your mouths get closer and closer until…
You have to stand up, arms aloft and declare “MCDONALD’S”. You can now sit back down and get back to whatever it was you were doing. Kissing, was it? Not really in the mood now.
To be fair, it looks like a good show he’s watching. Not surprised he wanted to get back to it.
I want to make absolutely abundantly clear that none of this is a parody. This is genuine patented technology from Sony that they just haven’t – or won’t – roll out just yet.
I guess there must have been some psychological test conducted that determined people retain knowledge or concepts more vividly when urged to speak aloud, but if they ever thought that I would stand up from my sofa to shout MCDONALD’S when I see a burger, they’re sorely mistaken.
Also, the only thing I watch on TV is either live (football), so speeding up adverts doesn’t make a difference, or it’s Match of the Day on BBC which doesn’t have adverts.
Images via Google Patents, Sony, Safesale, Warner Bros.
Alfie Powell joined as an apprentice and was probably hired because he was likely the only person who applied. He's been blagging his way through writing articles for four years now and he's definitely showing signs of slowing down. When not writing for The Hook, Alfie finds time to indulge in his favourite hobbies, such as drinking and sitting down.Follow