The 7 Disney Films That Definitely Shouldn’t Be Rebooted

Katie StocktonKatie Stockton in Entertainment, Film
Published 19.07.19
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I could keep this article brief and say: ‘All of them’, but I won’t do that because it’d be a naff read.

But Disney being Disney seem obsessed with remaking classics at the moment, and it’s pretty safe to assume that the onslaught of reboots will be coming to a cinema screen near you. Let’s hope these few remain untouched…

1. Snow White

Seven men taking in an innocent and lost woman to cook and clean for them? 2019 just doesn’t need it. #Woke.

And though she is talented, it would be very hard for Scarlett Johansson to play all seven dwarves in one movie, even though she probably thinks she should.

But there is one reason, and one reason alone why we’d all pile in like suckers to see this reboot if it did happen: Meryl Streep. Meryl effing Streep who will inevitably be cast as the Evil Queen. Meryl Streep who they will inevitably write a new song for in the hope of keeping her on the set longer than the producers of Mamma Mia: Here We Go Again managed to do.

Into the Woods did it, Mary Poppins Returns did it, and you can bet Snow White: A Second Bite (a working title) would do it too. It’s a hard burden to carry, but it’s Meryl’s late career destiny to exist on ticket-selling cameos. But please, give the old gal a break, and don’t reboot this movie.

2. Cars

Please, please, pleeeeease, don’t let Disney make a ‘live-action’ version of Cars. We don’t need photo-realistic animated cars, or even worse, actual cars edited in post production, as they find the true meaning of friendship by talking out of their bumpers.

Would I pay ten quid to see it in IMAX? No. Would I pay a very decently-priced fiver at The Vue that they make up for by charging seven pounds a go for popcorn? No. Would I watch it on Netflix in two years? Maybe.

3. Bambi

No. I simply won’t go through this emotional turmoil again. And certainly not with anything that looks remotely like a real fawn. Have a heart.

Secondly, at one point in the original, Bambi learns about ‘twitterpation’ -the process of falling in love with another adorable animal. While cute for its time, I don’t think the phrase has aged particularly well. I can now only think of “twitterpation” as some sort of participation through Twitter. You know how some people think they’re being ‘activists’ by sharing a petition or two around? Yeah. That’s the new #twitterpation.

How cute.

4. Hercules

Controversial opinion: this film was a hot mess, a beautiful pile of faecal matter when it was first made in 1997. The reboot trend could only stand to make it more confusing, as our Greek, ginger-haired (?) protagonist navigates his way through a melting pot of genres and source materials that the writers could barely wrap their own heads around.

5. The Hunchback of Notre Dame

Look at this unattractive person! They must be evil! Make them a pariah at once! If Disney has taught me anything, it’s that people I see as unattractive must just be the absolute worst kind of people. This is a moral that must be re-instated at once! Right? Right????

(Before I get any backlash in the comments, I’m being sarcastic.)

Whilst we’re on it, ‘Quasimodo’ literally means “almost human.” Victor Hugo has some explaining to do.

6. Pocahontas

I would assume, nay, hope, that Disney hotshots know not to touch this film. Currently, Trump likes to frequently mention the movie’s title, as a borderline slur of course. The plot is about a Native American woman falling in love with an English colonist. The same colonist whose colleagues are calling her and her family ‘savages.’ Yikes.

The ‘Thanks, I hate it!’ meme is the only proper response to this reboot I can think of.

7. The Lion King

If they were to do this reboot, I could only assume that they’d ruin one of the best animation films in cinematic history. Don’t fix it if it ain’t broken, amiright?

Congrats Disney, you got it right first time. Phew. Thank goodness you’ve decided to leave this film alone, and that you wouldn’t change a single feather on Zazu’s back, (nor the letters “S E X” that many of us have convinced ourselves we can see in the dust floating above Simba’s head) because redoing it in a slightly different style would add nothing to it.

Wait, what’s that?

FFS!

Images via Disney

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