I know I know, only total arseholes say they like New Year’s Eve more, and in general I do prefer Christmas, it’s just that the day has a lot to live up to with the two-month-long run-up.
Anyway, with the birthday of baby Jesus fast approaching, every huge corporation trying to get a look-in for the holiday is releasing their adverts and while we wait for the John Lewis one, Sainsbury’s have thrown their hat into the ring.
Called Nicholas The Sweep, we find ourselves in old-timey London, where a bunch of children are being used for slave labour by some nefarious Fagin-esque character.
Trouble strikes however, as young Nicholas – one of the little children – is accused of stealing a clementine. Call me 2015 clickbait, because what happens next will blow your mind…
So the kindness of Mrs Sainsbury (???) is to thank for the creation of Father Christmas. Saint Nicholas himself; all down to some grocer in Victorian London that’s inexplicably next to the Swiss Alps.
It’s a strange advert, that’s for sure. I’ve no idea how Mrs Sainsbury found little Nicholas, abandoned in wherever that was and I’m not sure what the fate of the other children working as chimney sweeps was. They openly mocked their overlord and given that this is the victorian times, he definitely beat them.
Either that or they ran off to become Nick’s elves, which I’d argue is also bad.
Knowing what we know about Christmas elves, they’re all tiny and so by all accounts, while Nicholas aged, they didn’t. What does this mean then? I think it’s obvious; Nicholas the Sweep castrated his fellow chimney sweeps to stop them growing, then made them work for free.
Not very jolly, Sainsbury’s.
I’m just glad they’re not butchering You Get What You Give by the New Radicals this year.
Images via Sainsbury’s
Alfie Powell joined as an apprentice and was probably hired because he was likely the only person who applied. He's been blagging his way through writing articles for four years now and he's definitely showing signs of slowing down. When not writing for The Hook, Alfie finds time to indulge in his favourite hobbies, such as drinking and sitting down. You can contact Alfie at [email protected]Follow