They’re f*cking awful and you sickos out there who like spiders are sickos… who like spiders.
Eight legs. EIGHT?! That’s enough to be terrifying and useful, but not too many to be a hassle, like with millipedes or several dogs taped together.
Two eyes is the perfect amount of eyes. Can’t go wrong with two. Lucky two! Nah eight again. One eye for each leg. And these aren’t normal eyes – windows into the soul and all that – these are just black beads of death and sadness.
But hey, if there’s one in my house – one of these little Satans wandering around the place I relax in – I’m apparently expected to not go to America, wait three days, buy a gun, come back to England and then throw my new gun at the spider.
How’s that fair?!
I guess I don’t make the rules and I suppose if me and a spider could come to an agreement that I stay out of its way and it keeps flies out of my house, then it could stay.
However, if it didn’t keep up its end of the bargain – constantly coming near me and not eating flies – then it’ll need to be evicted, which is where this new product from Aldi comes in handy…
Essentially it’s one of those picker-upper sticks (the ones that sometimes have a dinosaur head on the end) but the grabber bits are basically a bunch of brush fibres that don’t hurt the spider, which is apparently a good thing.
You can pick yours up from the German supermarket for a dangerously reasonable £7.99.
A small price to pay for salvation.
Not a fan, myself. Not into spiders.
Nor, it seems, is this anonymous woman from Cairo, New York, as she crashed her car into a wall because she saw a spider. They’re history’s greatest monster. I don’t blame her.
I’m no mechanic but by the looks of things, her car is 100% written off and along with that, the woman had the pleasure of injuring her leg.
Police in Cairo – again, New York, not Egypt – shared an image of the car to Facebook, along with a post that read:
“Thank you again for the help Cairo Fire, Cairo Ambulance, Greene County Medics and Greene County Sheriffs.
After investigating today’s crash on Silver Spur Road we feel it necessary to bring up a contributing factor that is not covered too often. It is believed that the operator of the vehicle noticed a SPIDER in the drivers area with her as she was driving.
The operator panicked and crashed suffering a leg injury from the crash.
We know that it is easier for some drivers than others but PLEASE, try to teach new drivers and yourselves to overcome the fear and pull over to a safe place. Lives depend on it.”
She knew her time had come and she tried to take the spider with her. There’s a lot to respect about this particular lady’s graft.
With that said, I seriously doubt the spider was damaged. Insects just don’t take fall damage.
“Oooh Alfie, spiders aren’t insect, they’re arachnids!!“
Images via Getty, Aldi, Town of Cairo New York Police Department
Alfie Powell joined as an apprentice and was probably hired because he was likely the only person who applied. He's been blagging his way through writing articles for four years now and he's definitely showing signs of slowing down. When not writing for The Hook, Alfie finds time to indulge in his favourite hobbies, such as drinking and sitting down.Follow