We all have one, just like we all had one of those Jamie Oliver Flavour Shaker things, but no-one actually puts theirs to any use. They’re the chocolate liqueurs of kitchen appliances and come on, they’re not going anywhere.
While I’m sure that no-one has ever actually bought a meat tenderiser – and they just appear in kitchen drawers on their own volition – if you’re going to have one, which you are, you might as well make it a kitsch one.
I mean f*ck it, why not? We’re all going to die in the end so why not just get Thanos’ Infinity Gauntlet with some spikes on the end so you can show your friends when they come round for drinks and then never see again? Give yourself that much.
It’s made from gold-coloured stainless steel, so you can punch meat until you wear your knuckles to the bone, safe in the knowledge that the gauntlet won’t rust.
Also, unlike Thanos’ gauntlet – at least at first – all of the stones are already in it, as well as an inner silicone grip to stop slippage.
The Firebox description reads:
“Just ask Thanos and he’ll tell you a perfectly balanced meal requires a well-tenderised slab of meat.
Fun isn’t something one considers when flattening a raw sirloin steak, but wielding the Infinity Gauntlet Meat Tenderiser is sure to put a smile on your face.
You can’t erase half the universe with a click of your fingers, but you can pound red meat, pork, poultry and superheroes into submission.“
It’s £19.99 but if you order five of them and six pence’s worth of something else, you’ll get free shipping. Bargain.
It’s pretty big, at 10cm(W) x 25cm(H) x 15cm(D), so it probably won’t slot in your drawer – something that your classic meat tenderiser will do – but again, death awaits us all.
It also comes with a recipe book containing some Avengers-themed dishes, such as Infinity Cutlet Pepper Chicken Potts Pie, Hawkeye Steak, End “Game” Pie and Stark Tartare. Excellent stuff.
I’m not going to make you buy it, obviously. I hold no allegiance to Firebox, but I can’t stress this enough, one day you’ll be on your death bed and think “Yeah I should have gone for that Thanos thing. Cheap laugh but god, am I really better than that?”
Yeah that’s the end of the article.
Images via Firebox, Getty, Disney
Alfie Powell joined as an apprentice and was probably hired because he was likely the only person who applied. He's been blagging his way through writing articles for four years now and he's definitely showing signs of slowing down. When not writing for The Hook, Alfie finds time to indulge in his favourite hobbies, such as drinking and sitting down. You can contact Alfie at firstname.lastname@example.orgFollow